thankful~

Like anyone who celebrates thanksgiving, I too reflect on what I am thankful for. Last year I tried to reflect on things I was thankful for, and while there were plenty, I couldn't get past the fact that Hayden was gone- and shouldn't be- and so therefore in my mind there was no one to thank, and nothing to be thankful for. I've come a long way in a year I think- and even though I am still weaving in and out of the stages of grief and have not yet felt any part of the acceptance stage, I do believe that I have grown and my grief has changed. I will always miss Hayden- he will always be the one thing missing from my every day. Holidays will always have a sad part to them because he will never be here with our family. Watching Jackson and his (soon to be born) baby brother grow up will always be a blessing, but there will be a part of my insides that sheds a tear knowing Hayden will never do the things that they will here on earth. 

All of that being said, Hayden did more on this earth than any other 5 month old I know- he taught us all the value of importance in life and I remind myself of that every day. So this year and moving forward I will try very hard to focus on, and be thankful for the time I had with sweet Hayden and continue to celebrate the amazing things he did achieve in his short time here. 

So this year I am thankful for... (and in no particular order)

*my one of a kind 4 and a half year old (because at his age, the 'half' is huge!) who takes better care of me than I do myself. 

*this blessing of a baby growing in my belly- and for the new found connection I feel between this baby and Hayden, making me feel an extreme connection to him as well. He is truly, without a doubt, a combo gift from God and Hayden. 

*my hard working and patient husband who takes such great care of our family, even though I don't tell him nearly enough. 

*the continued support of my exceptional friends and family of which I have always been thankful for and know how blessed I am in that area. 

*and for you, Hayden- for the extreme love we shared in the incredibly short time we were given together. And for continuing to show me that you really are always with me- just like I tell Jackson every day that even though Hayden is gone and we are sad, he will always be with us in our hearts.