It was a Friday morning three years ago today that Rob and I walked into a pediatric cardiologists office waiting to have an echo on our unborn baby. We were told the night before that our baby boy had a small left heart but remained hopeful that maybe what they saw- and what we then researched- was wrong. After a tortourous hour long ultrasound where no one spoke, we were then led into a room where a doctor met us and told us our baby had a very severe case of Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. One of the worst he had ever seen. I remember sitting there and had given Rob the paper and pen to take notes on what the doctor was saying. He was explaining everything so fast- it felt so foggy. I remember looking over at Rob to make sure he was writing it all down and he just sat there with a blank look on his face. I grabbed the paper and pen and started writing as much as I could. Tears were streaming down my face as I wrote our options: 1. Terminate. 2. Place the baby on a heart transplant list. 3. comfort care. 4. a three stage surgical process to repair the heart.
None of these options were what we wanted to hear. I was so naive then and kept thinking there has to be a mistake. There has to be a better option. But there wasn't. He drew a picture of Hayden's heart and compared it to a 'normal' heart. He said the odds were against us and kept repeating 'terminate'- as if that were our best option. I knew for me it was never an option- I had been carrying this baby for 21 weeks and already loved him with all of my heart.
We tried to stay focused on all he was telling us and when we left the appointment my OB called to tell me that we needed to decide in a few hours if we were going to terminate because if so, it had to be done on Monday based on the NJ laws.
We got bagels and came home and sat at our dining room table and just sobbed. Just the afternoon before we took Jackson and met our friends at a museum in NYC and were normal. Laughing, playing- excited about our pregnancy. Less than 24 hours later we were no longer normal. We were no longer laughing and we were no longer happy. Our world would never be the same as that day. Rob and I still look at pictures from that carefree day and tear up at the thought of how 'easy' and uncomplicated our lives were then.
November 11, 2011 is the day that we became heart parents. It is the day that started our new journey in life and it changed us both forever. I will never forget this day and I will forever have a tug at my heart when anyone I know goes in for their 20 week appointment. Its a hard place to be because I so badly want to shout who cares what the gender is! Find out about that heart. But I can't- I stay as calm as I can and if appropriate, I ask afterwards if everything looks ok with the heart. I never want to put extra stress on a pregnant woman but I am always on edge when I know someone going in for that appointment.
November 11- the first day in Hayden's journey that is burned in my memory and in my heart forever.
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