FIGHTING THE HEART WAR WITH LOVE.

5 years... a love/hate relationship with time.

16 August 2017

Five years.

Five of the longest years of my life. And somehow the shortest all at the same time.
Five years since I kissed your face. I remember the last time I kissed your face. I hope I always remember that moment.

The first few years after Hayden died all I wanted was for time to pass quickly because everything I read and everything I heard told me that  T I M E  H E A L S.

So in my mind, the further I could get from August 16, 2012 - the better off I'd be.

I am now five years away from that day and yes - time has helped to heal parts of me- and it has also taught me a lot about myself and how to manage the pain and the tears. I feel pretty confident that I can say I am in control (for the most part) of my grief and that, in itself, is a good feeling. I no longer just collapse in the middle of my kitchen floor in pain from not having him in my arms. Actual pain in my chest like nothing I've ever felt. Maybe thats what a heart attack feels like- which would make sense because it truly felt like my heart was literally U N D E R  A T T A C K.

My outbursts now are very very private. I am usually washing dishes or in the shower, or in the car. Always (almost always) alone. I thank the passing of time for this gift of privacy and control.

Time has also given my life joy again- and smiles- real life smiles. I actually wasn't sure for quite some time if I would ever truly be happy again. And I am.
I  T R U L Y  A  M.
My life is so full of blessings and it is beautiful beyond words. And I know I have God to thank for every single piece of it.

I no longer want to die- and again fear death. For a few years I welcomed death and not that I would have taken control over that, but just the idea that if I went to heaven I would be with him again and that made me smile when very few other things did. Now the thought of death once again deeply  frightens me and the thought of leaving my children in this world without me in their young and  fragile years makes my stomach churn. I know Hayden is just fine - actually he is better than just fine - he is with God-
and he is  P E R F E C T.  He has no clue of the pain and ache in my heart to be with him again. Time has allowed me to realize this and accept this.

I no longer fear the nighttime and how my own thoughts of his death will torture me. I no longer wake up giving myself the pep talk 'You W I L L  survive this day' and end my days with congratulating myself on surviving another day. I don't sit at the cemetery three times a week- I'm lucky if I get there  three times a month. And I feel no guilt about that.

The thing I am most thankful to time for is no longer waking up in shock and to a nightmare. My own real life nightmare. For at least the first year I would wake up every morning and it would all come crashing back like waves and I would get caught up in an undertow that I couldn't escape. I would just start sobbing before I would even open my eyes. My nightmare was real. He died. He is never coming back. I have to find a way to not only survive this day, but every day for the rest of my life without him. The pain of all of that hitting me first thing every single morning for over a year is a pain I am so thankful to not feel on a constant basis. And anytime I hear of a family loosing their child, that is the first thing I think of. I immediately feel pain in my heart and tears down my face knowing that they too will be experiencing that nightmare for days, weeks, months or years to come.
It is E X C R U T I A T I N G.

Not all shock is gone though. There are still times it hits me- out of nowhere  - in the middle of the day - between the craze of every day life - he died. This happened to us. Our baby died in my arms. He died because someone make a major fatal error. He could and should still be here. I watched his lips turn blue. He D I E D. And he is never coming back. And I will never see him again on this side of life. That pain has not healed. That pain - when it hits - is still excruciating.

Time doesn't heal. Time makes us wiser - teaches us how to live again.

The passing of time has done a lot for me in my grief - but its not just time. Its God. Its my family. My friends. My angel mamas. Our nonprofit and all who support it. My living children- my angels on earth. And Hayden. Making it my mission to honor him for the rest of my life has done so much for my soul. All of these things have helped heal me.

BUT the passing of time isn't always good.

With the passing of time comes more pain. Pain of not remembering what he smelled like. What he felt like. What it felt like to hold him. To hear his soft laugh and massage his scar. The farther away I am from August 16, 2012- the farther away I am from the last time I touched him, smelt him, kissed him and held him. And as unbearable as the pain of those first few years was, maybe just for a day I would take it back in just to be closer to the memories of our last days together.



 'And maybe the miracle was even getting one moment with you' 

Hayden's Heart Monthly Beat- August

01 August 2017


Hayden’s Heart Monthly Beat

AUGUST

  BUILDING HAYDEN’S HOUSE- ONE FAMILY AT A TIME

At the end of July, we launched a two-year campaign for Hayden’s House of Healing called ‘Building Hayden’s House, One Family at a Time’. The idea behind this campaign is that families, couples, individuals, organizations, small businesses and big corporations will all come together to help us BUILD THIS HOUSE!

Please visit our website – www.haydenshouse.org- to learn more about this exciting campaign and the inspiration behind it! Furthermore, if you have not received a campaign packet in the mail and would like to, please email us with your mailing address. Thank you - as always- for your unconditional support- this is a big dream- but we believe in every piece of it and hope you will too!

Stay tuned for our quarterly newsletter from Hayden’s House for updates!



5th ANNUAL PA GOLF OUTING- SUCCESS!!

What an amazing event! We had 24 teams this year- breaking our record- AND a hole in one!! It is always such a treat to see so many familiar faces return year after year to help support our cause- and equally as exciting to have so many new supporters join this year, too!

Thank you to all of our sponsors and those who donated food and items for our raffle! Because of your support, our event was a smashing success! What a beautiful day to raise awareness and funds for a beautiful family- so grateful to have had Jude and his family with us for this special day!

BIG thanks to our board member, Becky, and her committee for all of their hard work in pulling off a very successful tournament and to Summer from Athleta for traveling far and giving her day once again to our cause!

Looking forward to next year!




BLOOD DRIVE- TOMORROW!!

Our Annual August blood drive at Arlington Elks Lodge 1992 in North Arlington NJ is taking place TOMORROW- Wednesday, August 2nd, from 3:00PM - 8:00PM. Our drive is one of the most successful of the summer and this year we have a goal of 60 registrants! It’s not too late to register or walk in and help us reach our goal! Bring a friend – or two! And help save lives!!

This is such an important event for us to give back to the blood bank in honor and memory of Hayden and all the blood he was given while he was here. Hayden received two blood transfusions and was placed on ECMO (a machine that provides both cardiac and respiratory support to persons whose heart and lungs are unable to provide an adequate amount of gas exchange to sustain life) before he died. While on ECMO for two days, he received enough blood equivalent to 20 + transfusions. We could never repay those who donated to give us those last two days with Hayden – so this is our way to give back. YOU are our way to give back in honor and memory of Hayden. Please join us for a very special and emotional day of saving lives!

To make an appointment (preferred), please call 1-800-RED CROSS (1-800-733-2767)

OR visit redcrossblood.org and enter Haydens Heart.






Another very deserving family took a ‘Hayden’s Holiday’ to Great Wolf Lodge in Ohio last month. They lost their four-month-old son Jasper last year and were hoping to go on a family trip that would be fun for their other two living children. Great Wolf Lodge was the perfect spot for this sweet family- and they felt their angel alongside them through it all.

“Jasper definitely made his presence known while on our trip. He had a favorite elephant toy while he was alive so now, of course, elephants are one of our favorite things and something we associate strongly with him. Xander was so excited to show me that they had won an elephant - "Look Mama, an elephant for Jasper!" I don't think we can ever thank all of you at Hayden's Heart enough for giving us the opportunity to make all these very special memories over the last few days. ‘

- Kimberly, angel mama to Jasper

 

Don’t forget to…

  More information and official invitation coming soon!


Contact us:

CEO- Ady Dorsett
Ady.dorsett@haydensheart.org
www.haydensheart.org
www.haydenshouse.org
118 Bathurst Ave | North Arlington | New Jersey | 07031




Healing of the Heart 2017

25 July 2017

Once again words escape me as I try so hard to find a way to describe the intensity of the impact this retreat has on the women who have the opportunity to attend. It seems each year is better than the last and the connections that grow in just four short days together is unconceivable.
This year we coined the mantra 'Intent. Inspire. Ignite. Finding Purpose Amidst Tragedy.'
The idea behind this was to have our mamas grow throughout the weekend as their hearts began to heal and their bonds began to form. Words do not do justice to the feeling in our hearts as we literally witness through our very own eyes the forever lasting impact and life changing experience these mamas have.
The roller coaster of emotions we all go through together is INTENSE -  because we all experience every. single. emotion. possible.
We cry. Oh do we cry. Raw, real, and passionate tears for our babies- no matter how old they were when they died - or how long ago they died- we cry our faces off. The pain is real. But we believe to experience healing, these moments are essential.
We smile. We laugh. We dance. We cry again. It is all the feels. All weekend long. We share our deepest saddest moments and our most joyous ones too. We share the ways we are putting one foot infront of the other since our tragedy. We share our tragedies. We tell our love story - the one that was cut off way too short- the one we ache to have back but can never be. We say their names over and over and over again. We talk about them. All weekend long. We relate to each other in ways no one else can. We bring them back to life for four days. And we feel them all around us and with us through it all.
This space and this time together quickly becomes sacred to these women and every single mama leaves a different person. Most get a piece of their old selves back and gift that to their families when they return home. All of them leave with a feeling of sisterhood where they are loved no matter what and are accepted with outstretched arms.
It truly is such a gift and honor to have these women trust in us year after year with the most intimate and sacred parts of their lives. As draining and emotional as this experience is for me, I am already looking forward to next year and the lives that will be impacted by this truly unique experience.
THANK YOU to all of the organizations and families who sponsored a mama this year and to all of the small businesses (some pictured below) who help us spoil these mamas with so much love! 






Hayden's Heart Monthly Beat- JULY

02 July 2017


Hayden’s Heart Monthly Beat

JULY








Heart Strong- HUGE Success!

Our Heart Strong NJ Golf Outing with the Madison Strong and the Cohen family was a huge hit!

It was one for the books for sure- the amount of golfers, sponsors, supporters, the beautiful weather, raffle items, door prizes, volunteers- all around a truly incredible day and we are so thankful to ALL who helped make it happen!

Thanks to all of you, we are able to support the Oldenburger family and their heart warrior son, Shea- as well as fulfill other initiatives we do in Hayden's name!

Thank you to our sponsors!!



Pennsylvania


The PA Golf Outing is almost here!! Just a few weeks away! There is still time to register to golf until the week before the outing, and the deadline for sponsorships is Friday July 7th!

Join us on Friday, July 28th at the White Deer Golf Course to honor heart warrior Jude Solderich from Allentown, PA!

If you would like information on how to sponsor this event, or register as a golfer, please visit our website or email Rebecca.perrotto@haydensheart.org 





Something BIG is happening with Hayden’s House-stay tuned!!!!!


Blood Drive


Our Annual August blood drive at Arlington Elks Lodge 1992 in North Arlington NJ is taking place on Wednesday, August 2nd, from 3:00PM - 8:00PM. Our drive is one of the most successful of the summer and this year we have a goal of 60 registrants! Please help us reach our goal!!


This is such an important event for us to give back to the blood bank in honor and memory of Hayden and all the blood he was given while he was here. Hayden received two blood transfusions and was placed on ECMO (a machine that provides both cardiac and respiratory support to persons whose heart and lungs are unable to provide an adequate amount of gas exchange to sustain life) before he died. While on ECMO for two days, he received enough blood equivalent to 20 + transfusions. We could never repay those who donated to give us those last two days with Hayden – so this is our way to give back. YOU are our way to give back in honor and memory of Hayden. Please join us for a very special and emotional day of saving lives! 

To make an appointment (preferred), please call 1-800-RED CROSS (1-800-733-2767) 

OR visit redcrossblood.org and enter Haydens Heart.



Our second family is from Delaware and lost their son in December of 2016 at just 2.5 months old. This sweet couple chose to travel to Boston and tour the city for the weekend, complete with a Red Sox game! We are so thankful to be able to provide this time to this grieving family. 

‘These past 6 months have been so hard and we are so thankful to Hayden's Heart for making this trip possible for us. Not a second was Vincent not on our mind and this weekend brought smiles, tears, and everything in between, but it was refreshing to tour somewhere new and enjoy our time together.’ 

- Chelsea- angel mama to Vincent. 







Contact us:

CEO- Ady Dorsett
Ady.dorsett@haydensheart.org
www.haydensheart.org
www.haydenshouse.org
118 Bathurst Ave | North Arlington | New Jersey | 07031

Hayden's Heart Monthly Beat- JUNE

01 June 2017


Hayden’s Heart Monthly Beat

JUNE


SUMMER GOLF OUTINGS! 

New Jersey


This event is almost here- JUNE 9th!! We have just a few spots left for our HEART STRONG NJ outing- register on our website under events!

Pennsylvania 


On Friday, July 28, we are hosting our 5th annual golf tournament to honor Jude Solderich from Allentown, PA.

If you would like information on how to sponsor this event, or register as a golfer, please visit our website or email Rebecca.perrotto@haydensheart.org

 

Something BIG is happening with Hayden’s House- stay tuned!!!!! 

 



Hayden’s Holiday was formed this year as a way to give recently grieving families a chance to escape reality with the ones they love the most. We are sending six grieving heart families on a mini vacation this year. Our first family to go on their holiday lost their heart warrior in March of 2016. They spent two nights and three days with their lego-loving 4 year old in LegoLand, California and saw signs from their loved one often throughout their stay.

‘My son and I had such a great bonding time and a little step away from reality on our Hayden’s Heart vacation. We can’t thank you enough for all you did for us. Thank you! We are so grateful!’ – Heather, heart angel mama to Aiden



Contact us:

CEO- Ady Dorsett
Ady.dorsett@haydensheart.org
www.haydensheart.org
www.haydenshouse.org
118 Bathurst Ave | North Arlington | New Jersey | 07031


Pennsylvania's 5th Annual Golf Outing- MEET THE WARRIOR!

23 May 2017

 On Friday, July 28, 2017 Hayden’s Heart Inc. is hosting its 5th annual Golf Tournament at White Deer Golf Course to honor Jude Solderich from Allentown, PA.

Jude was born in July 2016 with a heart defect and was placed on the transplant list at only three and a half months old. It is with your support and donations that help us help families like Jude.

At the event, we will have prizes for the 1st, 2nd and 3rd place foursomes, as well as door prizes, raffles and contests throughout the event.

Breakfast, drinks and a luncheon following the tournament is included in the price. Please see flyer or website for all event details and to register for this event! Space is limited!
(www.haydensheart.org)

If you would like to sponsor this event, or for any questions, please email rebecca.perrotto@haydensheart.org


MEET JUDE


On July 25, 2015 our miracle was born. When Jude was born the amazing doctors at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia allowed Jude the time to show him how his heart could function. At 5 days old he had his first catheterization. This viewed how his aortic arch looked and opened his left ventricle to start working better. At 10 days old he had open heart surgery. After 3 weeks in the hospital. We took home our healthy baby.

October 25 Jude was breathing fast and admitted to Lehigh Valley Children's Hospital believe to have a common cold. On November 8 Jude was sent to CHOP by helicopter. He was in severe heart failure. He had another catheterization to open a blockage in his aorta. Unfortunately it didn't make a difference. 5 days later they tried another catheterization without change. December 19 we made the decision no parents wants to make, we listed him for a heart transplant. After 74 days of living at The Ronald McDonald House and having our family split up, the end of January we went home with a continuous iv medication. During our many trips back to CHOP his heart was showing positive change, which was not at all expected. March of 2016, Jude returned to CHOP for 5 days and he was weaned off is life sustaining iv medication. His heart has done so well that in December 2016, Jude came off the transplant wait list!! We don't know what the future holds for him. We do know there will be other catheterization and a valve replacement as well as a life time of follow up visits in Philadelphia. Through it all, he is such an amazingly strong and happy person who has showed us that miracles do happen.


Hayden's Heart Monthly Beat- MAY

30 April 2017


Hayden’s Heart Monthly Beat

MAY 


SUMMER GOLF OUTINGS!

New Jersey



Join us Friday June 9th for our ‘Heart Strong’ outing where we will honor heart warrior Shea Oldenburger!

Registration is limited- please visit our website. Sponsorships are also available on our website. Looking forward to a beautiful and successful day!


Pennsylvania 

 

On Friday, July 28, we are hosting our 5th annual golf tournament to honor Jude Solderich from Allentown, PA.

If you would like information on how to sponsor this event, or register as a golfer, please visit our website or email Rebecca.perrotto@haydensheart.org



Hayden's House of Healing - Update


Since launching our project for ‘Hayden’s House of Healing’, we have had great progress in some areas, and setbacks in others. If you haven’t visited our website for Hayden’s House, please check it out- we would love to hear your feedback! www.haydenshouse.org

Ady and Mandy (a fellow Hayden’s House board member) visited Faith’s Lodge in April. Faith’s Lodge is a house for bereaved families located in Wisconsin- doing essentially what we hope to achieve. Their CEO spent a day with us- touring the facility followed by a three-hour lunch where she gave us so much insight to this type of project. And while the visit was both emotional and overwhelming, we left with fresh ideas and are working towards a plan of attack that we look forward to sharing with you all soon! STAY TUNED!!

We are in the fundraising stages for the house - if you or anyone you know is interested in donating or hosting their own fundraiser to benefit this project, please email ady.dorsett@haydensheart.org for more information!



Save the Date! 

 


Please SAVE THE DATE for our Heart to Heart Gala on Saturday November 18th at Herman and Luther’s in Montoursville, Pennsylvania. This formal event promises to be a night full of dancing, dining, drinks and entertainment- as well as auction items and raffles to helping our fundraising efforts. This event is honoring heart warrior Harper Renshaw, of Conshohocken, Pa.

Please visit our website under the events tab for more information! If you wish to receive a formal invitation to this event, please email: tatum.heiser@haydensheart.org



Contact us:

CEO- Ady Dorsett
Ady.dorsett@haydensheart.org
www.haydensheart.org
www.haydenshouse.org

118 Bathurst Ave | North Arlington | New Jersey | 07031

DEDICATED TO HAYDEN JETER DORSETT
3.12.12 - 8.16.12

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