FIGHTING THE HEART WAR WITH LOVE.

5 years... a love/hate relationship with time.

16 August 2017

Five years.

Five of the longest years of my life. And somehow the shortest all at the same time.
Five years since I kissed your face. I remember the last time I kissed your face. I hope I always remember that moment.

The first few years after Hayden died all I wanted was for time to pass quickly because everything I read and everything I heard told me that  T I M E  H E A L S.

So in my mind, the further I could get from August 16, 2012 - the better off I'd be.

I am now five years away from that day and yes - time has helped to heal parts of me- and it has also taught me a lot about myself and how to manage the pain and the tears. I feel pretty confident that I can say I am in control (for the most part) of my grief and that, in itself, is a good feeling. I no longer just collapse in the middle of my kitchen floor in pain from not having him in my arms. Actual pain in my chest like nothing I've ever felt. Maybe thats what a heart attack feels like- which would make sense because it truly felt like my heart was literally U N D E R  A T T A C K.

My outbursts now are very very private. I am usually washing dishes or in the shower, or in the car. Always (almost always) alone. I thank the passing of time for this gift of privacy and control.

Time has also given my life joy again- and smiles- real life smiles. I actually wasn't sure for quite some time if I would ever truly be happy again. And I am.
I  T R U L Y  A  M.
My life is so full of blessings and it is beautiful beyond words. And I know I have God to thank for every single piece of it.

I no longer want to die- and again fear death. For a few years I welcomed death and not that I would have taken control over that, but just the idea that if I went to heaven I would be with him again and that made me smile when very few other things did. Now the thought of death once again deeply  frightens me and the thought of leaving my children in this world without me in their young and  fragile years makes my stomach churn. I know Hayden is just fine - actually he is better than just fine - he is with God-
and he is  P E R F E C T.  He has no clue of the pain and ache in my heart to be with him again. Time has allowed me to realize this and accept this.

I no longer fear the nighttime and how my own thoughts of his death will torture me. I no longer wake up giving myself the pep talk 'You W I L L  survive this day' and end my days with congratulating myself on surviving another day. I don't sit at the cemetery three times a week- I'm lucky if I get there  three times a month. And I feel no guilt about that.

The thing I am most thankful to time for is no longer waking up in shock and to a nightmare. My own real life nightmare. For at least the first year I would wake up every morning and it would all come crashing back like waves and I would get caught up in an undertow that I couldn't escape. I would just start sobbing before I would even open my eyes. My nightmare was real. He died. He is never coming back. I have to find a way to not only survive this day, but every day for the rest of my life without him. The pain of all of that hitting me first thing every single morning for over a year is a pain I am so thankful to not feel on a constant basis. And anytime I hear of a family loosing their child, that is the first thing I think of. I immediately feel pain in my heart and tears down my face knowing that they too will be experiencing that nightmare for days, weeks, months or years to come.
It is E X C R U T I A T I N G.

Not all shock is gone though. There are still times it hits me- out of nowhere  - in the middle of the day - between the craze of every day life - he died. This happened to us. Our baby died in my arms. He died because someone make a major fatal error. He could and should still be here. I watched his lips turn blue. He D I E D. And he is never coming back. And I will never see him again on this side of life. That pain has not healed. That pain - when it hits - is still excruciating.

Time doesn't heal. Time makes us wiser - teaches us how to live again.

The passing of time has done a lot for me in my grief - but its not just time. Its God. Its my family. My friends. My angel mamas. Our nonprofit and all who support it. My living children- my angels on earth. And Hayden. Making it my mission to honor him for the rest of my life has done so much for my soul. All of these things have helped heal me.

BUT the passing of time isn't always good.

With the passing of time comes more pain. Pain of not remembering what he smelled like. What he felt like. What it felt like to hold him. To hear his soft laugh and massage his scar. The farther away I am from August 16, 2012- the farther away I am from the last time I touched him, smelt him, kissed him and held him. And as unbearable as the pain of those first few years was, maybe just for a day I would take it back in just to be closer to the memories of our last days together.



 'And maybe the miracle was even getting one moment with you' 

Hayden's Heart Monthly Beat- August

01 August 2017


Hayden’s Heart Monthly Beat

AUGUST

  BUILDING HAYDEN’S HOUSE- ONE FAMILY AT A TIME

At the end of July, we launched a two-year campaign for Hayden’s House of Healing called ‘Building Hayden’s House, One Family at a Time’. The idea behind this campaign is that families, couples, individuals, organizations, small businesses and big corporations will all come together to help us BUILD THIS HOUSE!

Please visit our website – www.haydenshouse.org- to learn more about this exciting campaign and the inspiration behind it! Furthermore, if you have not received a campaign packet in the mail and would like to, please email us with your mailing address. Thank you - as always- for your unconditional support- this is a big dream- but we believe in every piece of it and hope you will too!

Stay tuned for our quarterly newsletter from Hayden’s House for updates!



5th ANNUAL PA GOLF OUTING- SUCCESS!!

What an amazing event! We had 24 teams this year- breaking our record- AND a hole in one!! It is always such a treat to see so many familiar faces return year after year to help support our cause- and equally as exciting to have so many new supporters join this year, too!

Thank you to all of our sponsors and those who donated food and items for our raffle! Because of your support, our event was a smashing success! What a beautiful day to raise awareness and funds for a beautiful family- so grateful to have had Jude and his family with us for this special day!

BIG thanks to our board member, Becky, and her committee for all of their hard work in pulling off a very successful tournament and to Summer from Athleta for traveling far and giving her day once again to our cause!

Looking forward to next year!




BLOOD DRIVE- TOMORROW!!

Our Annual August blood drive at Arlington Elks Lodge 1992 in North Arlington NJ is taking place TOMORROW- Wednesday, August 2nd, from 3:00PM - 8:00PM. Our drive is one of the most successful of the summer and this year we have a goal of 60 registrants! It’s not too late to register or walk in and help us reach our goal! Bring a friend – or two! And help save lives!!

This is such an important event for us to give back to the blood bank in honor and memory of Hayden and all the blood he was given while he was here. Hayden received two blood transfusions and was placed on ECMO (a machine that provides both cardiac and respiratory support to persons whose heart and lungs are unable to provide an adequate amount of gas exchange to sustain life) before he died. While on ECMO for two days, he received enough blood equivalent to 20 + transfusions. We could never repay those who donated to give us those last two days with Hayden – so this is our way to give back. YOU are our way to give back in honor and memory of Hayden. Please join us for a very special and emotional day of saving lives!

To make an appointment (preferred), please call 1-800-RED CROSS (1-800-733-2767)

OR visit redcrossblood.org and enter Haydens Heart.






Another very deserving family took a ‘Hayden’s Holiday’ to Great Wolf Lodge in Ohio last month. They lost their four-month-old son Jasper last year and were hoping to go on a family trip that would be fun for their other two living children. Great Wolf Lodge was the perfect spot for this sweet family- and they felt their angel alongside them through it all.

“Jasper definitely made his presence known while on our trip. He had a favorite elephant toy while he was alive so now, of course, elephants are one of our favorite things and something we associate strongly with him. Xander was so excited to show me that they had won an elephant - "Look Mama, an elephant for Jasper!" I don't think we can ever thank all of you at Hayden's Heart enough for giving us the opportunity to make all these very special memories over the last few days. ‘

- Kimberly, angel mama to Jasper

 

Don’t forget to…

  More information and official invitation coming soon!


Contact us:

CEO- Ady Dorsett
Ady.dorsett@haydensheart.org
www.haydensheart.org
www.haydenshouse.org
118 Bathurst Ave | North Arlington | New Jersey | 07031





DEDICATED TO HAYDEN JETER DORSETT
3.12.12 - 8.16.12

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