Six weeks ago today God took my precious son away from our family. Not an hour goes by that I don't question 'why'? My life was completely ruined in that moment that he took his final breath in my arms. I still can't figure out how we got here- how this happened. Every day I wake up to a nightmare. To the reality that I will never again hold my precious Hayden. My future is ruined and knowing nothing I do can change that is beyond devastating and heartbreaking. Every day is harder than the next as this reality sets in deeper with each passing minute. I ache for him with a pain I have never in my life felt and nothing I do takes that pain away. I walk around my home and feel the emptiness of a babies laughter, cries, coos and squeals. This fall was supposed to be a new beginning for our family- Hayden's heart was to be more stable, life was to be more stable. I couldn't wait to show Hayden the good life- meeting friends, play dates, music classes, family trips, and simply running errands together like a normal family. I see pictures of him and his scar and think I was so ready for this battle- I knew it would be a hard life long battle, one with a lot of unknowns for Hayden and for us but I was ready to take it head on. Now we are faced with an even harder battle, one of which I have no idea how to fight. I am so angry I often find it hard to breathe.
Hayden was a fighter- Rob and I made a deal when we found out about Haydens heart that even though we were given the option of termination that we wanted to give him the chance at life and let him decide whether or not he wanted to fight to be here. We would take him to the best hospital in the world and do whatever we could on our end to make sure he was given every single opportunity at life. And the rest was up to Hayden- as long as he had it in him to fight, we would make sure he had the best of the best and we would fight right along with him through it all. no matter what that meant for the dynamics our family. And Hayden fought harder than I ever knew he could- he wanted to be with our family just as badly as I wanted him to be here. We spent half of his life in that hospital fighting. With every ounce of his being he fought. I think back to tougher days in the hospital and wonder why he was made to go through all of that just to have it all end so soon anyways. Hayden has taught thousands of people life long lessons but what I wouldn't do just to have him be born a normal baby that no one knew other than our family and friends. However, as much pain as I feel having him taken from us, I will forever cherish the 5 months and 4 days we spent together. Hayden had a very difficult short life- but he somehow loved his life. He was the biggest 5 month old flirt I ever met- every nurse and doctor simply melted when he smiled at them. I can picture his smile when I would wake up in the morning- he would just lay in his bed smiling at me- and then I would start talking to him and his arms and feet would start going- he would get so excited to hear my voice and to start our day together.
The summer of 2012 will forever be my most challenging, yet favorite summer of all time. I would do it all again and would give anything to just hear that feeding pump beep one more time. To see that smile, hold that hand and massage that scar just one more time. I know we will meet again and we will spend eternity together but for now I have to find a way to live the rest of this life here without him.
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