Before I got
pregnant with Hayden I lived a pretty standard life in faith- I was raised a
Christian, went to church, believed in prayer and that God was in charge of all
things in this life. I believed and lived by the quote ‘Everything happens for
a reason’ and believed God was behind all reasons.
The day Hayden
was diagnosed with Hypo-plastic Left Heart Syndrome, my faith changed. I dived
in deeper- begged and pleaded for prayers from anyone who was willing around
the world. I set up a public Facebook page called ‘Prayer Page for Baby Hayden’
and invited all to join and share in helping us pray for a miracle. The day he
died he had over 22,000 followers- all with intentions of praying for him and
his fight for life.
I truly believed
through Hayden’s life that prayer was going to be what saved him and what had previously
been what saved him through all of his near-death experiences. The day he died,
I felt confused, cheated, betrayed. 22,000 + people were praying for him-
praying for him to come back to us- for his brain function to return- for a
second, even third chance at life. I couldn’t figure out why if all of these
people were praying to God for a miracle, why didn’t it happen? Why did he die?
What did I do that was so wrong in my life to deserve this? Was I being
punished? Why didn’t we get our miracle? I’ve never pretended to be perfect- I’ve made
plenty of mistakes- but thought overall I was a pretty decent person- caring,
loving, with good intentions. Did I personally not pray enough? Not go to
church enough? I was shattered- and I was ANGRY with God. From the day he died,
I refused to pray. Refused. What was the point? He wasn’t hearing me anyways.
I went through
about three years of feeling this way, but through it all knew that the ill
feelings I was harboring towards God were also hindering me in my path towards
healing. I will never forget our first retreat- the fall of 2015- three years
into my grief. We spoke about our biggest relationship struggles and mine was
with God, as were several other mothers. I said I wondered where God was when
Hayden died- why he wasn’t with me- why he didn’t save him and give us our
miracle. I remember one mother spoke some time after I did and I will never
forget what she said. She said she knew God was with her. That when her
daughter died, she knew he wept with her. He was just as sad as she was that
her daughter had died. And although parts of that still do not make sense to
me, it hit me. It hit me hard. I thought about that comment for weeks- months.
I couldn’t get it out of my head. Maybe God wasn’t punishing me. Maybe he WAS
sad Hayden had died. Maybe he was there all along. That New Years my resolution
was to try to go to church again. Try to pray a little again- and maybe let God
in a little. I felt like if this mother who also lost her child was able to
remain trusting in God and have faith, maybe I could too.
It has been just
over a year since I had that conversation at the first retreat and I am so
thankful to say that so much of my outlook has changed. I am still so confused
and may never understand why God didn’t give us our miracle and the act of
prayer is often still confusing but what I do know is that God loves me- God
didn’t punish me. He doesn’t work like that. He did take Hayden for reasons I
don’t know that I will ever understand, but he also gave me so much and
continues to- all I have to do is allow myself an opportunity to see it and
accept it. He gave me 5 months and 4 days with that sweet boy- the same boy
doctors were urging me to terminate at 21 weeks gestation when he was
diagnosed. He gave Hayden to ME- he gave me the honor of being his mommy- to
love on him and for him to love me. He gave me a sunshine baby before Hayden to
make me get out of bed every day after Hayden was gone. He gave me two of the
happiest, most loving rainbows on the planet and he helped me and continues to
help me build a legacy for my son that I could not be more proud of.
So, I no longer
believe everything happens for a reason.
But I do believe that people come into our lives for a reason. I do
believe that good can come from heartache. I do believe that God has blessed
me, and continues to, in several areas of my life. Some days it takes great
effort, but I choose to focus on the good that He brings to my life and the
good that Hayden has brought to my life- both while he was here and now that he
is gone.
This past August
marked four years without Hayden and while I feel I still have a long way to go
in restoring my faith in God, I’ve also come a long way and I will continue to
work on it because if nothing else, I know that God holds the key to my
eternity with my son.
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