welcome hudson to our family!

12 March 2014

Happy 2nd Birthday sweet Hayden. Today I dedicate this blog to the gift you sent our family, your baby brother Hudson. I miss you more each day and would give it all to be with you one more day, to watch you run around here like the rambunctious toddler you should be, to get just a quick glimpse into what you would look like today- just how orange your hair would be now, and to see you in action as a big brother- as I know with all my heart you'd be such a great big brother. If only I could have one more moment with you here- now- today. If only...

Just over a month ago we welcomed our rainbow, Hudson Astro!! Astro was his nickname given to him by his big brother Jackson, who had been so anxiously awaiting his little brother since the day back in July that we told him we were having another baby. We all remember that day so well- I was about 8 weeks pregnant and for the few weeks prior, Jackson had really been struggling without Hayden. He was constantly crying asking why he can't come back, asking me when we could have another baby, and saying he just wished he could see Hayden again. So we were on our way to see some fireworks and he again started crying because he missed Hayden and wanted to have another baby. Rob and I had previously decided we weren't going to tell Jackson until I was past the first trimester because the thought of miscarrying and having to tell him the baby was gone made me cry just to think about the sadness he would once again be burdened with. But I guess on our way to the fireworks it just seemed right- so after we got out of the car I bent down and told him there was a baby in my belly that would be joining our family after Christmas but before his birthday. He was so excited and so happy- and we knew telling him was the right decision. His tears for missing Hayden lessened and he seemed overall happier.
For the next few months Rob and I were afraid to acknowledge our pregnancy- I was afraid to fall in love with this baby- all for a very real fear that this baby would also have a heart defect or something else would be wrong and we would have to say goodbye to another child. It was on August 16th that I knew this baby was connected to our Hayden and I started to cautiously feel connected to this baby too. August 16th was one year that we had lost our sweet Hayden. Rob and Jackson went somewhere for the morning to allow me some much needed alone time and just let it all out. As I was sitting on the couch, about 12-13 weeks pregnant, watching videos of Hayden and crying so badly I could barely breath or see, I felt this baby move. I felt our rainbow doing somersaults. Now if you've ever been pregnant before you know that the first kicks happen much later- week 17 or 18 or maybe not until week 20-21. The first few times I felt it I blew it off. But as it continued to happen over and over again, I felt my hand move and cover my belly and at the same time looking up to heaven saying thank  you to Hayden- thank you for this sign that you are always with me- and that you are sending us this very special gift. After that moment I knew they were connected but I found myself still fearing it. It wasn't until later in my pregnancy did I learn that one of the main things I am so thankful for is that even though Hayden lived a very tough life, he knew more than anything that he was loved and that is why he shined so brightly through it all. I was so thankful that he left this earth knowing how much I loved him and was so thankful for the rare relationship he and I developed in such a short time together. When I allowed myself to think of that, I knew that this baby deserved the same. So that even if our family were to endure another tragedy, at least I would know that this baby too knew he was loved and I would spend every day he was with us proving that love to him.

Fast forward to February 7th- when our Hudson finally joined our family! It was an emotional day and first weeks reliving all of Hayden's birth and first weeks of life- part of me really never got to process it all since everything moved so fast with Hayden- and it has truly been a healing experience. It has also been so hard- I miss Hayden even more now that Hudson is here- and can see parts of Hayden shine through his baby brother- especially his red hair!! I know Hayden is an old soul up there in heaven and sent us Hudson as he knew it would help heal all of our broken hearts. Hayden was such a special rare gift and I am finding myself becoming more and more thankful that he was given to our family and that with his life we have been able to continue the work he started while he was here with us on earth.
The hardest part of all of this for me has been feeling so close to a once again full happy life and having it be just out of reach. When Hayden was here I wanted for nothing else- felt so incredibly complete and full. When he died, like I've said before- a part of me went with him. But the first couple weeks we had with Hudson I found myself feeling so close to that type of fulfillment that left with Hayden the day he died- it was like if I reached out far enough I could grab it- but every time I felt like that, I just couldn't get it- couldn't grab that feeling of fulfillment and true happiness again. However, since having Hudson it's the closest I've ever felt to that feeling and it gives me hope that with time, as I continue to work on healing my broken heart, I will once again feel complete and fulfilled in the life I have been blessed- with a devoted and loving husband, a comical and incredibly active almost 5 year old, a perfect and beautiful one month old, and the most amazing angel who I know without a doubt is watching over our family taking care of us every step of the way.

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