i'm ok...

17 August 2015

There is nothing worse in this world than loosing your child. This I am sure of. Because if there were,  anything more painful would for sure kill you. There is also nothing I want more in this world than to have my son back. To have all four of my boys together in my arms, someday playing together, fighting together, growing up together. The pain of that never happening is practically unbearable.

BUT- I'm ok....
I'm ok because if I have to be angel mama, which I guess is what God had planned for my life- than I will say, I am the luckiest angel mama there is.
I'm ok because I had an older child when Hayden died- who quickly become my reason for living.
I'm ok because my husband single handedly planned the funeral and his final resting place, allowing me to play a part when I could- but making sure it all came together.
I'm ok because two months after Hayden died, he gave me the idea to start his legacy, Hayden's Heart. Which quickly became (and still is) my link to Hayden and my place to bury myself when anger and pain take over my body from loosing him.
I'm ok because after starting Hayden's Heart, the thousands of people who supported us while Hayden was here are now supporting us after he is gone and are the reason his legacy not only continues, but has become the amazing success it is today.
I'm ok because after 9 months of trying for him, and then 9 months of pregnancy- I finally got my rainbow- and what a colorful boy he is. I always say Hayden hand picked him just for me- gave me exactly what I needed. He gave Hudson red hair and a contagious smile- just like him. He made him a handful to keep me busy and never have a dull moment so that I couldn't slip back into that depression. And he made him the sweetest baby in the world- sweet enough to make any sad moment instantly ok.
I'm ok because I am blessed to stay home with our babies. It is a gift I have always wanted after having Jackson- and thanks to my husband working several side jobs, and all of my photography clients, I am, for now, able to be home while my babies are still babies.
I'm ok because Hayden, along with God, decided to surprise us with another perfect rainbow. Another perfect baby boy who has already proven his purpose- to also bring joy back into this family.
I'm ok because of all of the support I personally get from all of you. This past week the amount of people who emailed, called, messaged, text- all to let me know they will never forget Hayden and that they are thinking of us was out of this world. Truly incredible.
I'm ok...because other than my son dying- I consider myself lucky and blessed.
I have a husband that has as much of a passion for Hayden's Heart as I do. Who supports his family, loves his children, and tries every day to be a better husband and father than he was the day before.
I have four of God's greatest creations as my children. They make me the happiest, proudest, and busiest mother on the planet. And thanks to his legacy and to all of you, Hayden will never be forgotten. His life, fight, smile, hair, sweet face- will never be forgotten. And in his name, thousands of families will be helped, their lives will be changed, and I am the lucky mama who gets to be behind it all.
And so, I'm ok...

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