tbt- 7.20.12- 'ten days'

26 June 2014

SO, what will you be doing in ten days? It will be a Monday so many will be stumbling out of bed after a fulfilling summer weekend and heading to work- others may be making it a three day weekend and enjoying some more time at the beach- and some will be dropping your toddlers or kids off to summer camp and taking your baby or other kids back home to get your life back together after a hectic weekend...
Rob and I will have no doubt barely slept yet and will be preparing to hand our precious 4 month old over for yet another life altering procedure. But not before he is taken in for a follow-up MRi of which the results will eat me alive waiting to hear. March 15th Hayden was taken back for his first open- heart surgery and I thought for sure that was and would hopefully be the hardest day of my life. It was only going to get easier...I was proven wrong a few times since then- first was the night we found out his MRI results and the pain and cries that filled that conference room as I fell to my knees infront of my three year old when told how significant the damage was...and the cries I could hear all the way down the hall back to Hayden, giving Rob some much needed space to let out his anger, devastation and frustration. Then the evening of May 7th when 8pm felt like 4am and I found that loosing Hayden could really happen and I might not even have time to prepare for it. And now in 10 days I will for sure be experiencing yet another 'worst day of my life' moments. The thought of giving Hayden to a group of men and women in scrubs and caps makes my stomach literally turn and leaves me with a feeling of nausea. Hayden isn't just a baby anymore- he is a person who has a personality, who has stolen my heart and anyone's who have met him, who smiles ALL THE TIME and tries like crazy to laugh, who snores when he sleeps on his back, whose favorite toy is a crinkly butterfly from his auntie lauren, who wakes up every morning with this shy smile watching me as I pump his morning milk. Hayden is a four month old miracle who loves when his brother sings to him and plays with him, and tries with everything he has to do his tummy time, reach for his toys, play on his side and successfully complete all the other tasks his mommy strives to help him with on a daily basis. Hayden is a baby boy, my baby boy whom I literally could not love any more. So to hand him over to someone who I know will return him in a much different state is scarier than the scariest monster I ever feared growing up. I will hand over this beautifully happy smiling fully awake baby boy- and four hours later come to a POD where three other babies and their families will already call home and see my perfect baby looking nothing like my perfect baby. He will be swollen, he will have tubes and wires coming out of his perfect little chest, he will have a fresh incision right on top of his freshly healed incision, he will have a breathing tube- or oxygen at the very least. He will be unconscious- thank God- because when he does finally wake up, he will be in pain- and I won't be able to hold him and comfort him through his pain for at least 48 excruciating hours. He will have medicines pumping into him through an IV that probably took them 4-5 tries to get in the first place. But somewhere in all of that will be Hayden- that beautiful boy who can turn my most stressful day completely around with one simply perfect smile, who gets excited and kicks his feet at the sound of my voice, and who will turn his head upside down to follow his happy playful brother around the room. What will get me through this day will be knowing that Hayden is still in there and that even though it will feel like an eternity, when Hayden does recover- he will come back a much healthier, more stable Hayden and at that moment, this will all have been worth it. 

In ten days I will be roaming the halls of CHOP praying to God that Dr Spray and his team have once again successfully operated on my baby's heart and that Hayden will fight through this surgery and recovery like the warrior he is and has been. I hope you will join me in this prayer.

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