2014- we've been waiting for you...

01 January 2014

Last New Years was incredibly tough for me- I was so scared to say goodbye to 2012- the only year that Hayden was physically here for-  it is still my most favorite year- and also the worst year of my life.  I started off 2013 very depressed because I had to start a new year without him- and that just seemed too painful to even think about- let alone actually do. 2013 continued to be incredibly painful- every day was hard- some harder than others- but nonetheless, difficult. It was our year of 'firsts' without Hayden- his first birthday, our first easter without him, all the way to reliving his death one year later- and that was tougher than I could have ever prepared myself for. Everyday I still feared waking up to a nightmare that was my reality- I painted on a face of strength, because thats what I was supposed to do- be strong like everyone thought I was. I buried myself in Hayden's foundation, Jackson's activities and started back into my photography business. People's lives went on and for most of the world,  the new year represented a fresh start, a new year. For me, I was stuck- I couldn't start over, I couldn't move forward. I felt isolated, alone- like an alien on this earth. I didn't belong here. 

But time is an amazing thing- I wouldn't say it heals necessarily, just that it allows for a period of adaption. I have recently been adapting to my new life- the new me- the person I became and am becoming since loosing Hayden. I know my limits and am learning how to handle my bad and sad days much better than a year ago. I am more than happy to say goodbye to 2013-a year that for me, was filled with so much pain-  and thoroughly welcome 2014- another year of adapting to who I am now since loosing Hayden, and the year of our highly anticipated rainbow baby- whom we affectionately call 'Astro'. 

I feel Hayden's presence more in my life the last few weeks than I have since he died. It's hard to explain- but I truly feel he is literally a part of me- and his old soul speaks to me and comforts me when I need him. I no longer feel totally alone and isolated- I know he will always be with me- and when no one else understands, he does. I feel so honored to know that this little baby boy who touched the world in just five months was given to our family- and is now and always will be a part of me. Of course I would still give anything to have him physically here- but since thats impossible, this is definitely the next best thing. 

(the photo at the top is from our NYE party last night- Rob, Jackson and I just started our first game and started eating our appetizers and this sauce dripped off of my shrimp onto the plate in a perfect heart shape- he is truly ALWAYS with us....)

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