'tbt'- blog from 2.23.12 ~ reflection

16 January 2014

another 'tbt' entry- this one is from February 23, 2012- a look back at our journey so far: 

15 weeks ago, a doctors' 30-second diagnosis completely changed our lives. There are monumental moments in everyones lives where you just won't ever forget how you felt, or where you were the moment something life changing happens. For me, that day is November 10, 2011. I was going in for a few more measurements of the baby's spine- he wasn't in a good position the day before for his 20-week measurements so it was necessary for me to come back the following day. I went alone, not wanting to keep Jackson at his daycare longer than necessary, and not wanting to inconvenience Rob for a simple measurement that would only take a few minutes. After a long wait, I was followed in the room by a man who introduced himself as Dr. Principe. I immediately knew that leaving Rob at home was a terrible mistake and knew that measurements of my baby's spine was not why I was called back. I immediately questioned him about his presence in the room and he replied with the generic 'doctors always come in for check-ups' to which I challenged and said that I have never had a doctor in the room with me through all my ultrasounds- this baby, or my first. He didn't respond to that- they just asked me to lie down and they started looking at the picture on the screen of our baby boy. The terms and facial expressions they were using were nowhere near comforting and even though I knew something was wrong- I was scared to death to ask. After what felt like forever and with tears now streaming down my face, I finally asked what was wrong with my baby. The doctor told me my baby's left heart was too small. He helped me sit up so I could process what he said. I was obviously upset, but my initial thought was that there was definitely more than enough time left in utero for it to still grow. And then my thoughts went the complete opposite direction and I asked him if my baby would live. He said that was unknown, but what he did know was that our baby would undergo open heart surgery within days after being born in attempts to save his life. This news made me nearly pass out. I remember grabbing the arm of this man I had just met less than 5 minutes ago and not caring that I didn't know him- I just needed someone to balance me, and he was the only one there. In hysterics, I tried to make sense of it- tried to compose myself and be strong. I tried to ask all the questions I could think of and tried to figure out what was happening to us. But nothing I asked and nothing they said could have prepared me for what the next few months would have in store for us.

With Hayden joining this world in less than 4 weeks, I find myself reflecting daily on the last 3+ months. Parts of this have already gotten easier. Most of the shock has worn off and reality is quickly setting in. In a few days, Jackson and I make our move towards Philadelphia to await Hayden's much anticipated arrival. Please continue to pray for Hayden and for us as we begin this next step in our journey...

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