It was around 10am on August 16, 2012 and I was laying in bed with a dying Hayden. Just an hour prior to that we sat in the conference room across the hall and heard the most devastating words we would ever hear. Dr Licht- Hayden's neurologist- told us that Hayden would not recover brain function and that he was brain dead. He would be with us as long as we wanted the machines to keep him here, but essentially, he was gone. To type this even makes me ill. Bringing myself back to that moment is terrifying and devastating. It was the most tragic and horrific moment of my life- one that practically put me into a coma state. When we got back into Hayden's room, I layed down next to him and literally went into what felt like a coma. I heard the music I was playing for him but nothing else around me. The beeps of all the medical equipment, the voices of his doctors, nurses, ECMO nurses- all went away. The only things left were Hayden and I. We were in a different place together- far away from the reality that was surrounding us. In my mind, I was holding Hayden, we were smiling at each other- we were happy together. The entire time I was laying next to him I was holding his fingers and hand which at this point were so swollen I barely recognized them. In my mind, and for I don't know how long, I was lost in thoughts of happiness with Hayden and I- trying to engrave him into my brain as deeply as possible as I knew that sometime today I would have to say goodbye to the physical being that is my baby boy.
At one point I started to come out of my haze and before I even opened my eyes I could hear familiar voices around me. I could hear my best friends Sarah and Lauren quietly talking. Then I tried to open my eyes and I somehow found the strength to get up and face my friends, the doctors, nurses, and again face a dying Hayden. I can't remember what was said, but I know it wasn't too long until Kati joined us- the fourth pillar in our unit- making what felt like stable ground for me and allowed me to get up out of bed. Having the three of them there gave me strength and together we started doing something with Hayden that at the time probably looked and seemed silly to all of the doctors and nurses that surrounded us- but to my friends they knew for me it was survival mode- and they never skipped a beat. For over an hour the four of us along with our Childlife friend used Hayden's hands and feet and plastered them with ink and paint- getting as many prints on things as humanly possible. All the while talking and singing to Hayden- laughing at the ridiculousness of what we were doing. At one point I told Hayden that I was sorry for all of the last minute crafting but its kinda my thing- and so I have to throw a lifetime of crafting into one hour. I think the memory that sticks out most to the four of us from that hour together with Hayden was his one little toe- the second toe on his right foot just would not stay down- so every single time we tried to get his footprints, one of us would have to manually push that toe down for him- it lightened the mood and when I think of that hour, I smile remembering how silly that little toe seemed to us at the time.
But all too soon the paint was drying up, the paper was gone- and Hayden's room was filled with little footprints and hands. And all too soon reality smacked me in the face again. Our families had arrived and prepared to say their goodbyes to Hayden and it wouldn't be long until I would say my own goodbyes. To this day when I think of those last days with Hayden, that is the only hour that I can think of without wanting to throw up and without being flooded with tears and pain. I am grateful for that hour for so many reasons...
Moving forward to the week after Hayden died and we are planning his funeral. I wanted to give something to everyone that was special- a piece of Hayden. And then I saw them- the footprints were sitting in a pile on our kitchen table and while on the phone with Sarah we came up with it. (actually I think she came up with it- details from that week are a little fuzzy) We would cut out the feet to make them in the shape of a heart. So thats what we did- then we made them into magnets for the service and everyone who came took Hayden's footprints home with them to remember him.
Fast forward two months and we have the foundation started in the early stages. We didn't really have a logo for awhile and then somehow it all just came together. The aden and anais swaddles were also in the beginning stages and the footprints were being used on those- and so from there they became the official logo for Hayden's Heart INC. So those footprints you see on swaddles, sweatshirts, tee shirts, car decals- they aren't just Hayden's feet. There's a story behind those prints- one that I know the four of us girls will never forget. It goes without saying that the love I have for them goes deep into my core-I couldn't be more thankful and feel more blessed to have spent that hour with them and with Hayden. In literally my darkest moments the four of us created something so beautiful together that is now the symbol of Hayden and the foundation Rob and I have established in his memory and honor.
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